And the enigma this recent generation is not ready to accept.
I want to paint two scenarios, and in turn ask you one question for both of them. Names changed and some parts of the story fictionalized.
What should they do?
Lets start with Tunde and Ajoke, both medical interns, who finished from the same prestigious medical school. Better by far, lol. as if. From group meetings and hangouts, they fell in love. Both smart and ambitious they had dreams, staying in Nigeria was never an option. By the time they resumed house-job they'd dated for two years.
I was opportuned to meet with Dr.Ajoke as an intern, a fine woman, the man who has her surely must be a lucky man. Ajoke is an ambitious lady, part of the things that attracted me to her. We'd often get lost in intense conversations about the future of medicine and the future,in medicine. God i loved every bit of those discussions.
She was hell bent on going to the US, she'd always dreamed of being an interventional cardiologist, and had started saving up for the USMLE. Hell, she almost motivated me to consider internal medicine, but with surgery as my innate calling, i knew i had no real shot in the US.
'How's tunde' i asked, glancing at her face as the dimples rippled across her cheeks quickly.
'He just got the result of his PLAB, he's passed PLAB 1.'
I stopped smiling, i begun to probe deep, trying to let her see the fact that the ambitions and the relationship she holds do not agree, but she didn't see my point of view. She was optimistic and she said they'd discussed it already.
She proceeded to give a vague description of what looked like a long distance relationship/marriage, with Dr.tunde coming over to do masters in the US for a while and so on.
'Don't worry, God will make it work' was her closing statement. I mean, i know she's religious but even that has its limits.
Was i the only one seeing that this relationship wouldn't work? Even if they get married, there is a high chance that it would end in a divorce, isn't it better to pro-actively end the relationship?
I found myself perplexed with the concepts of faith, reality, ambition and relationship in this particular case and then one burning question.
What should they do?
She spent quite some time in school, finishing medical school at an age range of 26-30 is no easy feat. Perhaps the pressure was there to get hooked.
Back then in med school she'd usually just listen in on girlish arguments about how they never want to end up with doctors, to marry outside the profession.
I mean, sure she'd feel a bit smarter than the man, a tad richer, she'd be on call most nights of the week, but surely the man can also cook and take care of the children, afterall, times have changed, many female consultants are married to non-doctors.
So, unsurprisingly, she got hooked to a lawyer. Rich handsome guy, a total catch. He'd made a name for himself here and was doing well. Has a couple offers to do a short masters programme abroad with a few countries in mind. They'd discussed the future but the man of-course promised everything would be alright. As if.
Bonus point was that he really knew his way around a woman, how many men could do that nowadays. He'd take her out after call duties and spoils her silly. I'm not sure how they are faring in this pandemic, must feel sour not to be able to touch your woman for fear of exposure.
I knew her when she was single so i was sort of on the sidelines following, which is why i was shocked when she was preparing for PLAB. I mean, she had what she wanted romantically.
As usual i engaged her in a discussion on many facets.
I told her about my fear about non-doctor{Male} and doctor{female} relationships and how it almost always failed due to factors that are not far fetched but that didn't even phase her.
I asked her about her future plans, and she said when she moves to the UK, that her hubby will find a way to join her.
Was i missing something, would the proposed man leave his establishment here and move to the uncertainty abroad, is love that strong or foolish, should she kill her ambitions for him?
For me the answer was obvious, the relationship was doomed to fail. but perhaps, i'm being naive, and maybe i still have much to learn.
I've seen first hand how ambition and difference in profession led to the downfall of a marriage, and since then i have tried to live by simple mundane principles.
A personal twist.
I once liked a lady, and i seemed to like the prospects of us being together. She wanted to go to the US, she was hell bent on writing the USMLE. At that point i hadn't decided, but when i came to a realization that i was going to do surgery, and that i leaned towards PLAB, it became clear that the future of us being together, was grim.
So naturally, i stopped trying.
I've often been accused of being a pessimist, but i think of myself as a realist. Sometimes hope and faith are constructs designed to prevent us from seeing the uncomfortable truth.
I want to see your thoughts and opinions, and i will interact with you as much as possible via the comment section and through my twitter handle @damilola_MD.
Thank you for sticking with me this far.
This is my first piece on 'Love and Medicine'
I like that you said you're a realist and not an optimist. Never forget that the most difficult woman to advice is one that is in love. I feel like most people forget that it's beyond what they both feel about each other. There's a lot more to it than feelings. If both parties already have different ideas and pictures of what the future looks like, I'm sorry but that's impending doom. It can only work if one party is willing to compromise but then again making the decision to compromise would mean that they have to live with the consequences whether good or bad. Because more often than not it's easy for us as humans to put the blame on the other person saying "I made the decision to stay-for you and Vice Versa which in itself is already impending doom because the other party starts to feel guilty. So there's regret and guilt. Long story short, before people dive in deep, they should come to a conclusion on what they both want and decide to either part ways or be together.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you. Love must be tallied with reason, and matters of the heart must be tied with the discernment of the brain. With love, the present becomes all you've ever wanted, your partner becomes all you've ever imagined, but if you cardiovert/defibrillate the gentle heart with currents measured in volts and rational thinking, a fog of doubt would quickly settle, and then the grim future of the relationship becomes as clear as the open blue sky.
DeleteI'm a bit confused, to be honest, about the point your article is making. This is all constructive criticism by the way.
ReplyDeleteAre you trying to say any relationship with a medical doctor is doomed to fail?
As for your first story with Ajoke and Tunde, there is a great paucity of information that you gave, for me to lead to any opinions of how their relationship will conclude. You told us little to nothing. Maybe you have insider info, that gives you better insight, but for me - the story is lacking in flesh.
As for the realism of perspective, it seems you have no belief at all in either long distance relationships or relationships that require the partners to move around and stabilize initially, or require sacrifice.
But the truth is, successful relationships of that type do exist. Though they are admittedly rare, because most fail woefully. Unless the four of you can organize well.
But the thing is, most people in the throes of love rarely see logic, but rather usually only hopes and dreams. Especially females. That's why for example, its hard to convince people to leave a toxic relationship. Especially if it's their first, and made many memories. I usually don't even try to convince them at all.
All in all, it's an interesting piece, but I think it could have been much better with a whole lot of flesh for thought.
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DeleteJamike it's as though you are in my head; my thoughts exactly.
DeleteGreat job though, Dami😏
The title is a bit misleading, as the aim isn't to ALL medical relationships, but to scenarios similar to the two stories painted.
DeleteLack of flesh was what i was aiming for as i tried to draw out simple points i perceived would be important in painting a wide range of possibilities in our mind, the aim was to draw out your thought on the matter, not merely estimate a conclusio n for their life-love-story.
The piece is meant to tap into scenarios you may have seen or experienced, therefore drawing out your own opinion and perspective on similar issues.
It is aimed at being an open-ended and interactive piece. There is no singular point to be made, rather different angles to be seen through comments.
As to your fourth point, yes, i expressed that in the article,i am not a believer of long distance relationships, as i have seen many fail. I wonder, if you are.
Yes, relationships of that kind do exist, and if a reader is in such situation, he or she may shed more light on this issue that plagues many.
You see, this piece wasn't written to drive home a point, but to extract from the vast mindset and different experiences of the reader, like you.
Finally, i agree with you, that people in love rarely see logic. A concept that i have learned, though harshly, to put in the forefront, when i confront issues of the heart. Perhaps you, the article did not achieve it's intended purpose, but with more along the line, i hope to have you fixated in the complex entrapments, put in words, the medical profession puts us in.
Thank you for your words Jamike, i look forward to hearing from you, in the articles to come.
Interesting topic Dr Dami.
ReplyDeleteIt can be quite tough to break an existing courtship because of probable challenges resulting from differing career goals.
Personally, I think it's safer to have a general overview or idea of the other person's future plans and consider how much compromise one can accommodate before "falling in love".
However, if the waves of love come crashing before consent, ( matters of the heart! ) realistic and intentional communication should had...afterwards, the choice to either go with the flow or let go be made without hard feelings.